Well as you can imagine, I've had my share and then some. To the point I wonder if a "regular" relationship is in the cards for me. I've done some pretty normal things ie: get married have 2 kids buy a house all the toys and then went and royally fucked it up after 9 years. Shortly thereafter spinning into an uncontrollable spiral of men, women and bizzare incidents even I can't begin to comprehend. The nice thing about my mind is that it tends to put on those rose coloured glasses promptly after and I forget the worst parts, well mostly anyways. The scars are still there, they are just bandaged quite nicely.
In talking to a very wize friend this week I had some real lightbulb moments .. I love going into relationships. That fresh new honeymoon, I'll do almost anything for it. Its like a high. The more exiting the better, sweep me off my feet, I'm in! This has made me make some very stupid decisions. Ill give you a couple examples. The last one boy that was a doozy. Met 11 years ago.. Turmoil then, always trying to convince him we were right for each other. While all he wanted to do was screw everything that breathed. My dream man.. Sigh.. Fast forward 9 years. We meet again It's nothing really at first, simple niceities.. Meet for coffee hang out.. Then things get more, let's say intimate. There's definitely fireworks. I think this is what I've been missing! Choose the alternate life for the prior and try my damnedest to tame a wild horse. Which I might add, had I been successful I am not too sure I would have been able to stand in the end anyways. I still do love him, probably always will .. He's my alter ego, The Hyde to my Jekyll or perhaps the other way around. It ended badly and I'm still reeling. The best part is that I made the decision to leave and not the other way around this time. I know it's time to move on, I'm just wondering where? How can I be a "me" without a "we" that's probably the hardest lesson to learn. I think if I wasn't so scared of heights I'd start to jump out of perfectly good airplanes, that at least would give me the high I'm looking for. But I guess after the novelty of that wore off, it would have to be, "to the moon Alice! To the moon!
Well, that's the end of my epiphany so far.. Ill post more when I have more figured out, or have a lobotomy.
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