Blurred lines

Blurred lines... A great jump off point for a blog.. I had my own blurred lines .. They were tickling and teasing.. Made me feel central and important ... Loved .. But I was confused.. Why did such good feelings end with hands down my pants or under my shirt? .. Surely I had nothing of value at 10? However it was where it almost always ended.. Was this my value? "Blurred lines"... I say almost .. As if that were true .. At first yes that's where it ended .. If someone else appeared it would .. End with sarcasm and malicious jabs leaving me reeling.. What had I done to anger them? "Blurred lines"... Then it stopped ending there a year later .. A father figure ( using the term loosely) would go further .. Molesting and threatening .. Always living with an edge of fear .. Something would happen to other family members unless I kept the peace .. Besides .. I "liked it... Didn't I?"  "Blurred lines"....No as a matter of fact .. No.. No I didn't .. I never approved.. Encouraged nor liked it.  Did it matter that I had a voice? No no it never..  "Blurred lines" ... 

I believe there are some who have already stopped reading.. Why? It's an uncomfortable subject.. We don't discuss these things... Why? I would put money on it everyone knows someone who has been molested however they may or may not know it.. Maybe if Robin Thicke were to sing it and Miley Cyrus were to bump and grind her ass against someone's pelvis and it had a catchy tune.. Well then it would be a big hit.. But the message would be changed to something like "she wants it.. She's only 10 and she loves it.. Give it to her" "Blurred lines".. Don't blow smoke at me and tell me I'm on fire. 

I'll tell you where the blurred lines are.. In the messages that we are giving children .. That it's taboo or bad to speak about the unspeakable unless it sells... that it's acceptable to place a value on an invaluable human being 

As I tell my story I cry.. These are my blurred lines 

And this is my voice...

Tumultuous relationships

Well as you can imagine, I've had my share and then some. To the point I wonder if a "regular" relationship is in the cards for me. I've done some pretty normal things ie: get married have 2 kids buy a house all the toys and then went and royally fucked it up after 9 years. Shortly thereafter spinning into an uncontrollable spiral of men, women and bizzare incidents even I can't begin to comprehend. The nice thing about my mind is that it tends to put on those rose coloured glasses promptly after and I forget the worst parts, well mostly anyways. The scars are still there, they are just bandaged quite nicely.

In talking to a very wize friend this week I had some real lightbulb moments .. I love going into relationships. That fresh new honeymoon, I'll do almost anything for it. Its like a high. The more exiting the better, sweep me off my feet, I'm in! This has made me make some very stupid decisions. Ill give you a couple examples. The last one boy that was a doozy. Met 11 years ago.. Turmoil then, always trying to convince him we were right for each other. While all he wanted to do was screw everything that breathed. My dream man.. Sigh.. Fast forward 9 years. We meet again It's nothing really at first, simple niceities.. Meet for coffee hang out.. Then things get more, let's say intimate. There's definitely fireworks. I think this is what I've been missing! Choose the alternate life for the prior and try my damnedest to tame a wild horse. Which I might add, had I been successful I am not too sure I would have been able to stand in the end anyways. I still do love him, probably always will .. He's my alter ego, The Hyde to my Jekyll or perhaps the other way around. It ended badly and I'm still reeling. The best part is that I made the decision to leave and not the other way around this time. I know it's time to move on, I'm just wondering where? How can I be a "me" without a "we" that's probably the hardest lesson to learn. I think if I wasn't so scared of heights I'd start to jump out of perfectly good airplanes, that at least would give me the high I'm looking for. But I guess after the novelty of that wore off, it would have to be, "to the moon Alice! To the moon!

Well, that's the end of my epiphany so far.. Ill post more when I have more figured out, or have a lobotomy.